


Ace of Hearts

by Catastrokey (orphan_account)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Gen, Growing Up Ace, Heavily pulled from my own experiences, Internalized Aphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 01:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13823898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Catastrokey
Summary: Raphael is 14 when he starts to notice the differences between himself and his friends.





	Ace of Hearts

Raphael is 14 when he starts to notice the differences between himself and his friends. 

They’ve begun to talk about girls a lot and it confuses him because he just doesn’t see the appeal of staring at others like that, much less obsessing over how they looked. Eliseo has apparently decided that girls chests are the best thing in the world and won’t stop describing them in too much detail. Raphael knows for a fact Eliseo has never seen a pair of breasts because he can’t even talk to a girl, much less convince one to fool around with him. 

But it wasn’t just the boys. The girls had taken to giggling at each other while staring at the boys and Jimena had pulled him aside to ask him if he would be her first kiss. She’d stuttered and blushed so much that Raphael hadn’t even understood what she wanted until hours later because he was worried she may be getting sick. He’d then gone to corral his hermanita away from the potential danger with the barest of hints that Jimena should tell her mom about it. 

At the time, kissing hadn’t even crossed Raphael’s mind. When he saw Jimena and Eliseo kissing the next day, he had simply brushed the whole thing off.

\----

Raphael is 17 and he is sure that he isn’t attracted to girls. 

His abuelita says he’s a good boy, respectful like a good Catholic boy should be. His Tio says he’s just a late bloomer, he’s not sure what to believe but the worried look in his mother’s eyes lets him know that something has to break.

None of that changes the fact that he has yet to feel the pulling that the other boys have described. Nothing flitters in his stomach as he stares at a girl. He’s never looked at someone’s body and felt inexplicably drawn to it. 

In the deepest darkest of nights, he wonders if maybe he is attracted to boys instead. In the most secret of circumstances, he tries looking. It does just as little for him as girls do. 

Part of him is thankful that he won’t have to tell his mama that he is different in that way, but a larger part of him is disappointed because the only other option is that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. So he keeps looking. Keeps trying to understand what the other boys talk about. Keeps trying to feel something,  _ anything _ . Because the alternative is too horrible to fathom.

\----

Raphael is 19 and he knows he is broken.

He isn’t attracted to girls or boys. He’d been desperate to find anyone he was attracted to because even if his church said it was wrong, at least it was  _ real _ . 

Everyone is attracted to someone.  _ Everyone is attracted to someone _ . 

Everyone except Raphael.

He doesn’t want to disappoint his mother and sister, so he learns to talk the talk, even if he’ll never be able to walk the walk. He knows what to say when, even if he has never understood the appeal of a person’s butt. He knows how to act like he likes someone that way. He knows how to convince his mama that someday he will find a girl to love and settle down with forever.

Raphael wonders if he can fall in love at all if he can’t find someone attractive. 

He’s starting to doubt that too.

\----

Raphael is 25 when his entire lives veers off course for the second time.

Monsters are real and now he is one of them. The man who has taken him says he is special, that Raphael will become one of them. That he will drain his friends and kill his best friend for the man’s amusement. That once he has tortured his friends he too will die because the man wants to be entertained. 

The man is right. He does become a monster. He does kill his friends. In those moments he can’t wait for the man to kill him. Raphael can only hope that God will have mercy on his soul if he even still has one.

But he doesn’t die. 

An Asian man bursts into the monster’s den, hands blazing, and suddenly the monster is gone. The only monster left is himself and he closes his eyes so that he doesn’t see his death coming. The room is cold and wreaks of the blood of his friends; blood he spilled. The only sound is the other man’s footsteps approaching him. 

And then there are arms around him. 

The Asian man is speaking, but Raphael hears none of it. Why isn’t he killing Raphael? He killed the other monster, he should be killing Raphael as well. 

He vaguely hears the stranger mention Raphael’s mother and Raphael gains sudden clarity. He knows what he needs to do. 

When the stranger had attacked the monster part of the wall had broken. He pulls from the man’s arms to lunge for it. He is a monster now and he can’t ever go home. It’s not safe for his mama or hermanita. He could hurt them. If they see him like this he  _ will _ hurt them. He killed his friends what’s to stop him now?

He has to die before he hurts anyone else.

He gets so close but fire isn’t the only thing stranger can do. So instead of the still peace of death, Raphael simply lulls into the heavy darkness of sleep.

Maybe this is his punishment for being so broken.

\-----

Raphael is 50 years old when Magnus introduces him to Ragnor. 

Their mutual love of snark and picking on Magnus pulls them together quickly. Suddenly, Raphael is calling Ragnor regularly to complain about Magnus’ various eccentricities and Ragnor is attempting to convince him to come to London where the weather is approvingly muggy for a vampire. Ragnor tries to tempt him with his extensive book collection and shielding abilities that would allow Raphael to walk outside on Ragnor’s property during the day. Maybe one day he will join Ragnor, but for now his hermanita still resides in New York; still loves him despite his vampirehood. 

He can’t leave New York so long as she is here. She doesn’t care if he’s broken or a monster from fairytales and while he may have eternity now, she doesn’t.

\----

Raphael is 53 when he first hears the word asexual applied to a person. 

It is Ragnor who introduces the word to him, the word catching him off guard when Ragnor self-identifies by it. Ragnor has to take a moment to explain the phrase before what he’s saying hits Raphael like a ton of bricks. 

The speed he leaves with obviously worries Ragnor but Raphael couldn’t even begin to care.

There’s a word for it.

There’s a word for  _ him _ .

_ Maybe he’s not broken after all. _

\--------

Raphael is barely 54 when the subject comes up again. 

Magnus has decided that he doesn’t want Raphael to be lonely and began to attempt to wiggle his “type” out of him. This has been met with little more than apathy from Raphael himself. He’s not interested in “finding someone.” He’s only just figured out that he doesn’t want to have a relationship like that. He can’t, because he can’t handle the thought of actually doing anything with someone. 

The very thought was repulsive to him.

Magnus did not know this and therefore Magnus would not let up.

“Come on, just give me a hint. Just let me set you up with one lady or gentleman. I promise I will take your preferences into consideration if you will just  _ tell me what they are _ .”

Raphael took in a deep breath, steeled himself, and breathed out.

“I’m Asexual,” he glanced away, not willing to look for Magnus’ reaction, “I’m not interested in sex.”

There was a moment of silence before a hand was grasping Raphael’s bicep. His head snapped up to meet Magnus’ gaze, finding nothing but warm understanding in the other man’s eyes.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” and the surety of his voice really made Raphael feel like it might be true, “but, you do know that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love right?”

Raphael felt like someone had just slammed him in the chest with a sledgehammer even as Magnus kept going. No, no he couldn't, it wasn't possible. It didn't matter how he looked at couples with envy because he wasn't like them. He couldn't just take parts of relationships and leave out what he didn't want.

“I mean, if you aren’t interested in that either, that’s fine too. But being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love and be loved in return.”

“How?”

Magnus seemed startled by the question, before softening with understanding.

“There are people who would understand or other people who feel the same as you. You have options.”

Raphael wasn’t sure how to process this information. Sure, some logical part of his mind had known that there was a difference because there wouldn’t be words for it if there weren’t, but he’d never thought to apply the concept of asexual vs. aromantic  _ to himself _ . Even knowing there was a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction didn’t change how entwined the two concepts were in his mind. 

He knew he was asexual, and part of him hadn’t ever considered who he might be attracted to romantically if there was even anyone at all.

Even as he thought about it, he knew it had probably been all the comment growing up. If you fell in love with someone you wanted to have sex with them. That was never a question for anyone. His entire family had been more concerned with keeping the unmarried from having sex than whether they even wanted to have sex at all.

Magnus took his elbow in his hand, shaking Raphael from his latest existential crisis. 

“You okay?”

Raphael wasn’t sure how to answer that. It had been a long time since he really considered what his lack of desire meant for relationships. He’d written off being able to be with someone so very long ago and now the very idea that he could do that could be in a relationship where he wasn’t denying the other person something they needed, was dizzying. 

Maybe.

Just maybe.

“I think I will be.” 


End file.
